So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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