She went from zero to smokin in five shots
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
