i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
