even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
