Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He did a backflip because drugs
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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