I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
