Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
