don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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