I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
