you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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