I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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