I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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