he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
