He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
