I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
