watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Randomize
