Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
