True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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