i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
