Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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