That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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