just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I faked an abortion last night.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
