I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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