After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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