I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
