Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.