i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
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I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.