Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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