i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
