I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
