dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
