Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
