There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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