What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
