My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
