Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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