There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Randomize
