I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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