At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
