for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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