Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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