does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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