Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
