Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm passing your future prison.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
