im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
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Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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