why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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