ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
