Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
