there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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