my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
