i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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