Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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