Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
