Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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