Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
