There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
we're so committed to being not committed
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
