so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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