She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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